Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The tagline of this blog started with the saying "this is my life...", but I've never really mention much about my life.

The below essay has been written last few months. It was supposed to be in a private blog. But I've decided to disclose the post as IT IS my life. I would like to apologize in advance if my writing offended anyone. It is something from my own perspective, and IT IS my life I'm talking about. No hard feelings k?


April 2009

My world looks perfectly fine in the eyes of others. But when they peep through the hole, or finally open the door to enter my world, they might actually realize that my life is not as good as they thought, nor as bad as what I might say.

This is about my life.

The cute me with rounded nose..

Born in a family of 5, and being the youngest, is something people would admire as the youngest one always get the best, in terms of most attention by parents, as well as loved by elder siblings. I am happy to say that I have 3 elder brothers and 1 elder sister to love and care for me. Regardless of having so many brothers and a sister, secretly I admire others for having maybe not as many siblings as me, but that particular one or two brother/sister would make their world a better place. A good sibling is like your best friend forever. My girl friends like Alicia, Jesreena and Jennifer, hangs out with their sister most of the time. When they are out together, nobody would realize that they are actually siblings as there is an obvious mutual friend-to-friend relationship. These sisters relationship enable them to talk about just anything and to be kept secret between themselves. I envy this relationship. Stupid to say, but I would trade all my 4 siblings, just for 1 good sister who is also my best friend forever. Talking about how desperate I need a friend uh?

Me me me!!! 7 months old lookin baby.. :)

Mum, sis and eldest brother holding me..

This is my tall and skinny second brother... well, he's still tall but he ain't skinny no more.. haha!!!

3rd brother holding me.. with mum and sis!

In my world, my family is not the closest person to me. In fact, they know nothing much about me. My siblings are 10 to 20 years of age gap with me. When I was a baby, my brothers have already gone through their teen’s life. And when I’m a teenager, they are already a parent themselves. However, I do have my sister to accompany me through few years of my life. I still have a clear flashback of how she brings me to the supermarket and buy me my favorites Lego set. And she knew I love pizza, and so we have it quite often when she started working. But things went back to the same usual atmosphere when she got married and moved out from home. To sum it all up, I have a pretty sad and lonely childhood with nothing much worth to remember about. I don’t recall if there is even once if I did approach my siblings to talk about my problems. I was brought up to cry my problems out, alone on the bed. Which they don’t know of, and thus it seems to them that I’m a problem-free child.

The little baby there is Gina, my cousin sista!

Sis : Joyce! Look at the camera! Adoi.. bodoh betul budak ni.. I point there, she look here..

My parents on the other hand, sometimes noticed my swollen eye as I cried alot, but did not ask even the simple question “Are you okay, Joyce?”. Being a very typical father, my dad hardly shows any affection, and is a man with very few words. But when he gets older, and when I’m all grown up, I have learnt to communicate with him instead of being afraid of him like I used to. Old people like him tend to complain a lot, with temper flying around like a blind sword. Patience is what my mum and I learnt when dealing with my father. It is clear that my dad is also not the ideal person in my family that I can talk to.

Picture was taken when mum was 7 months pregnant.. see how much joy I brought them. That's how I get my name I suppose..

The case with my mother is quite unusual. I could say that she is the closest person to me in the family. Being a mother of the only daughter, she loves me very much. She would guard me with her life. But the bad side of this is that she is a very protective mother, sometimes to the extend where relatives actually noticed by the way she is treating me. Although I am old enough to get married, I am still treated like a naïve fragile baby. I heard this is a common case when it comes to motherhood. But this mother of mine is definitely unique. She is a naïve housewife whose belief and faith are for the words of others, but not her own family members. I hardly get to have heart-to-heart talk with her, as it either makes her even more worry about me, or I gave up the conversation because her understanding and suggestion usually ‘piss me off’. I understand that she want the best for me. But what is ‘the best’ is usually based solely on her opinion. It gets on my nerves just by staying at home listening to her ideal way of living. She would expect her daughter to have a stress-free life, and would beg, seriously begging me to take up an occupation as what she deemed is the best. Last few weeks when I visited my 5th uncle at Penang who is down with final stage of colon cancer, in the middle of his struggle where everyone around him is devastated and crying, my mother asked me to take her anti-depression pill. I could not understand why I am not allowed to feel sad, even though it is because of a departed relative. She loved me too much that sometimes I suffocate. The way she loves me however does not includes understanding me, listening to what I want, or just listen to my opinion. And the way she expect me to live my life is giving me pressure instead. Ironically, she is the one who want my life to be stress-free, without knowing that she is the main source of where my stress comes from. I believe if she let me fly with my own wings, I could be happier and lead a better life like what she want me to have.

My parent.. undeniable they love me with all their heart!!! Lucky me~

My all grown up siblings, and me still gee-na-sai!

When I was young, till my time in secondary school, I was a very unhappy child. There is no one for me to play with, or to talk to. Being so isolated at home, with silence most of the time, I had forgotten how to communicate. This leaves a major problem that affects me throughout the days of growing up in school. I never have friends. Same as at home, there is no one in the school for me to mingle with… Having no friends at school, I usually make up excuses for not going to school. But I would never stray outside. My parents knew, and allow me to skip classes and watch the television at home instead. Although having the worst attendance in the school, and my parent being called to the headmaster room twice, my grades are usually impressive. Having a natural talent I guess, gave me much more disappointment when I wasn’t allow to further studies after Form 5 due to family financial problem.

My parent justify their decision with a very typical reason “Girls do not have to study that much! Go to work, find yourself a good husband, and you’ll be stucked at home taking care of your kids! Why study so much?”. It is this words that brought me to work at Star Cruises, a travel services company that offer cruises and casino onboard. From a teen who seldom speak to others, I was forced to learn languages that are foreign to me although I’m a Chinese myself. Being in the customer services department, I communicate using English, and 3 other Chinese dialects. Talking, talking and more talking is what I did. Time passes, and I forgotten about my plan to study.

But I was glad for the time I’m there. Because there, I found friends. And not only friends that I’m thankful for, it is the ‘soul mate’ I found there. Nick is my first boyfriend. And I could say that it is my upbringing, lack of exposure from lacking of communication, and being a naïve girl that brought me together with him. Time spent with him is like fairytale, as I felt like I’ve flown out from my cage. Everything seems to work well for me, as predicted by my parents, I have a stable job, a potential husband, and we might just build a family of our own. (Well, talking about naïve!!! Plain stupid coming to think about it now!!! I'm such an idiot to fall for the oldest trick in the book!!!) However, before the fairytale reach to its happy ending, reality of life and the outside world hits me hard. My sweet time with Nick never last as long as I wanted to. The almost 5 years of courting period leads to misery that leaves me half dead. Mentally and emotionally abused, and I was not being kind to myself, leading to self-torture. Experience with him makes me realize that reality is hard, cruel and mean. I believe it is the first time I truly understand the definition of ‘bastard’ and it is best applied for someone like him.

I can't find a better person than this girl.. Alicia!!!

With some of the girls from our department..

One of the girl's wedding..

Chew.. always there for me!

Ah-pek Hang is the best!!! horray~

This is Nick.. nothing much to say... yickksss!!!

If I am a tortoise, I bet I would have hide in my shell after the break up. But I have no place to hide, and thus I ran away. I rekindled the memories of him whenever I am at my working place, or at home. To get far away from the sad memories, I started that I should have start 5 years ago. Only with loan support from relatives, I get to further my studies at Tunku Abdul Rahman College. I would summarize it as a college for the poor. Getting out from my hometown, and to live in the city all alone gives me a scare at first. Not to mention going into a college at the age of 21 is difficult. Being a very realistic person myself, I often feel ashamed for starting at such old age – compared to those who started right after college at 18 years old. On top of that, when I was laughed at due to my age, I felt more ashamed but I can only smile on the outside. I guess this is how teenagers communicate; they tease, jerk around, laugh at it and call it friendship. Surprisingly, I enjoyed college and the friends I’ve met there. It is something I have always wanted to experience in school, and I am very lucky indeed to finally have a taste of it although in college at 21.

The DAV!!!

Some acquaintance to my dismay is very childish (appropriate for their age), but some impresses me with their attitude and behavior. I casually joined a group of teens, and one particular guy I seen, kind of makes me wonder if he is actually older than me. First impression: kind of good looking, should be English ed, looks like from a well-off family, and kind of old too. I observe his neat dressing, spiky hairdo, nice watch, and Perdana for a college student? Contradicting to the first impression he gave me, he is actually 3 years younger than me. He, from a very nice-to-chat friend, had become my boyfriend till present. He with the big name Vincenzo has also been my companion throughout my studies at TARC. I cannot image what I would do without him. But now with a younger boyfriend, do I think about getting married and have children? It might not be a soon-to-be event for me.

My hero...

My casual friend turned into a very good friend..

...and into my boyfriend! I think he planned it all out!!! Humphh!!!

Frankly, it has always occurred to me if my life would be easier if I choose an older guy instead. Someone who have a stable career to support a family, and whose age is appropriate enough to take on the marriage oath and responsibility as a husband and a father. Perhaps due to the humps and bumps I have encountered in my life, I want an easy way out for once.

But as for now, all I want is someone who love and care for me truly, madly and deeply. I am desperate for a companion, someone who would ask sincerely “Joyce, are you okay?” and has meaning to hear whatever I have got to say regardless of how many days it would take for me to finish what I am saying. I do hope that Vince would love me as the first day he fell in love with me. People changes, and it is in top of my wish list that he would never change his heart and his love for me. Reality in relationship killed me once, I was barely alive when I saw Vince but he brought me back. I hope he will not take it away from me as how he has given hope to me. Family do sucks in its own way in terms of lacking of the function of sharing and communicating, now it is only left with Vince which is something that I want to make sure does not give me the same pain as my family.

Life is only perfect when you have family and friends. Sometimes I wonder, if I die, who would come to my funeral? How many friends would come? What would they say about me? Am I a good person and a good friend when I was alive? Or do they receive the news about my passing from SMS or MSN from conversation such as “Hey, I heard someone from our class at TARC is dead, I think her name is Joyce. Don’t really remember her but I think she’s the petite one”. This thing scares me sometimes. Seeing weddings whereby bridesmaid giving speech about how meaningful her friend – the bride is, made me realize there isn’t no person who is close enough that I called friend that is going to be my bridesmaid if I do get married someday.

Friends come and goes along the way. College friends are only friends in the college. When we are out and about entering the working place, we are then friends to our colleagues. College friends are then forgotten. Same to my friends from Star Cruises, and some from secondary schools. Seeing my friend list in MSN, there are people who were once very close and dear to me. But since we have not spoken for months or years while seeing each other available to open up to a conversation in MSN, I can’t help feeling awkward to start saying “Hello”, and so I never did. This continues, and my dear friend is now merely an online person in my MSN list.

Call him ET as in alien.. haha!

Barry and Alicia..

The flirty, bully and one who loves me.. :P (Sequence from left to right)

People I know later in college.. but the best gang ever! Glad I get to know em..

People above are friends who I know will stand by me when I stumble, trip and fall..

Life has not been easy, and my whole life seems to be toggled up. Deep within me, there is a girl yelling and screaming her lungs out just to be heard.

...to be continued


Joyce Yap said...

This is still the blog post that I love the most. The most genuine side of me. And this blog contains all the people I love the most in this world. I do hope to keep them dear in my heart forever.

Joyce Yap said...

3 years had passed. But still glad to have all of you in my life. Seemed like this report is far outdated. :)